Physically and mentally/emotionally, I was led to rehab for a second time. I feel as though I have been lost for so long and I’m exhausted trying to battle myself every day. I feel like my own worst enemy and I am certain that I need to get out of my own way. My heart breaks knowing how my alcoholism has affected my significant other, my son, and my parents. With those broken pieces though, I have decided to glue them together as best I can and get sober. I felt compelled to be proactive in my recovery, which I am truthfully proud of.
I think my heart guided me back to rehab for a reason and I believe that my Higher Power gave me the strength and resolution to pick up the phone and call for help. Sometimes I feel like my heart is screaming at me to love it/myself. And if I did love myself more, my alcoholism will get better. I can’t really pin-point the exact moment or time that I lost my sense of worth, confidence, and ambition. It almost seems like this is where my heart guiding me. The purpose of this guidance seems to be the beauty of the struggle and helping me to grow and heal.
My heart is guiding me to take charge of my own life. I can be sober, healthy, and happy. My heart wants to be a good mother and a good wife someday. Every time I take a drink, my heart (and likely mind) is begging me to stop drinking so that I can live my best life. Every time I take a drink, remorse, guilt, and shame shatter me. There has been a disconnect between my heart and mind for a very long time.
I want to feel balanced, stable. This means making a commitment to myself to be conscious of my thoughts and feelings, brave enough to ask for help, and living life on life’s terms. I don’t want to feel like a failure anymore. My heart is guiding me to make drastic changes and challenge myself. It’s sometimes said that you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. I both agree and disagree with this. When I’m drunk, I tend to project my self-loathing onto others. That projection never results in growth.
My heart has been guiding me to recovery and healing. It’s a strange feeling being aware of the broken link between heart and mind. My brain argues and allows the alcoholic in me to run the show. Alcoholism is definitely a disease. I’m highly allergic to it, yet my head argues and contests with excuses, self-hatred, and resentment. Unfortunately, I’ve been giving my mental illnesses power of me for years and I’m just now realizing the discontent its been causing my heart. Going to rehab the first time really struck a chord in my heart and I actually opened up to myself for the first time in years.
My heart is calling me to heal, be a warrior in my own life, and get honest about my ugly truths. My heart is guiding me to become the woman that I used to aspire to be. Where did that girl go? My heart is guiding me to change, grow, and love my life. To be grateful for every day and all of the good things I have going for me.
The Right Direction
Today my heart is guiding me to sobriety. This is a journey that has been a long time coming, five years to be exact. Sobriety became my priority about a month ago. I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t be a good mother, and I couldn’t stand to hurt the people I love the most anymore. I reached out and made a few phone calls. Almost surreally, I was driving with my boyfriend for three hours to a rehab. I was absolutely distraught when he was dropping me off and I never wanted our hug to end. I was sobbing into his shoulder, but stood in my decision to get help. And thank God I did.
Going to rehab was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make. Half of me was yearning to stay home where I felt in control while the other half was screaming for something to aid me in stopping. My heart guided me here, to get help. Beforehand, I knew I was making my family sick with worry. It got to a point after staying out all night, drunk and irresponsible, and seeing the pain on their faces that did it for me. My son and family deserve a sober Hope. A Hope that sets a prime example for living well. Living in the moment and making memories. My heart is guiding me for the first time in a long time, in the right direction. And this time, I get to bring everyone with me.