I think of myself as a hopeless alcoholic type, even though I am often described as driven, competent, and capable. I’m certainly not any of those things while I’m drunk though. You can absolutely rely on my honesty when I say I am an alcoholic; I have always been drinking, drunk, or looking for a bottle. I have thought and spoken of myself terribly, and when under the influence, spilled my sob-story and laughed about my alcoholism to strangers. This to me means that I am mentally defective and that my body is sick as well, and ultimately, I am allergic to alcohol. This is how I relate to the Doctor’s Opinion of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Any amount of alcohol consumption cannot be safely done for me. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. I have no stop. Alcohol has slowly deteriorated my self-esteem, my relationships, my finances, everything. The worst part is that I feel like I’ve allowed it to. It’s really at the point that I’m angry at it. It has never once solved any of my problems, only created more. Alcohol has put me in jail, destroyed the things I value the most, and cost my time with my son that I will never get back.
A Firm Resolution to Stop
I have said many times that I was going to stop. I have made promises that I have broken time, and time, again. I’ve watched my baby cry for me. I’ve caused heartache and pain to the man I want to marry and have sickened my family with worry. I always come back and apologize; but an apology without change is just manipulation; a defect of my alcohol abuse and a prime example of the person I no longer wish to be.
I must honestly admit I have struggled with belief in a higher power; something greater than myself. It wasn’t until December of last year that I had a shift in my mindset and came to believe that there must be something. I have never witnessed so many moments, lining up perfectly, for others as well as myself. It was beautiful and truly, a spiritual experience.
When I began drinking heavily, I started to depend on it to get me through the day. I believed it made me normal, and my thought was that I needed alcohol just to be alive. Grocery shopping, cleaning, going to work, playing with my son, all wasted. Wake up, drink, apologize, sleep, wake up, drink again. A vicious cycle; insanity, if you will. What kind of life is that? Not mine, not anymore. I confess that I am many different kinds of an alcoholic; ‘functioning’, unwilling to admit I cannot have just one, and quite possibly manic-depressive.
I have lost so much to my addiction to alcohol. Sometimes I think back and think the bottle was whispering to me and forcing me to live my life for it, rather than for myself. I have believed “this is just how my life is supposed to be”. But it’s not. In active addiction, my thinking was foggy. My brain had to be cleared before coming to a conscious realization of how corrupt I really was and how unmanageable my life had become.
I am powerless over alcohol, but I went to rehab, again, just for today and one day at a time. I am confident and content in what I am striving for in my sobriety.